100% Match by Patrick C Harrison III

Title: 100% Match

Author: Patrick C Harrison III

Year Published: 2022

Link to Buy: Amazon 

Genre: Fiction, Horror, Extreme Horror, Splatterpunk, Mental Illness, Novella, Thriller, Twist Ending

Summary:

Bart is thirty. He is bald. He is overweight. He wears glasses. He is a fry cook. He hates cats. And kids. Bart occasionally does very bad things. He is looking for his perfect match. He has done his research.

Ten-Sentence Review

This is yet another splatterpunk book that I will not recommend unless you know what you’re getting into—but if you’ve walked this disgusting road before, read 100% Match immediately! The only thing I loved more than main character Bart’s nonsensical depravity was the unexpected twist at the end. I read the whole thing in two short sittings, but unlike other horror novellas I’ve read, this one is the perfect length for the story. I would definitely read a prequel where we find out why Bart is the way he is, but this is a rare time when I feel that really isn’t necessary. The whole point of Bart’s existence is chaos and I wouldn’t want to ruin it by finding out about his childhood trauma. 

The narration was very American Psycho, describing the minutiae of everything he does without explaining why he does it; much like Patrick Bateman, we don’t know if this is because the narrator thinks the reasons are obvious to us, or because he doesn’t bother to assign reason to his actions at all. The main difference between the two characters is that Bateman is notoriously unreliable, but I’m fairly certain everything Bart describes is actually happening. Bart also has distinct similarities to Tyler Durden from Fight Club, and not just because of his additions to recipes at his fast-food job. 

Bart’s fatal flaw is assuming Sara is just another generic woman he can manipulate into thinking he is the perfect partner… But, he doesn’t seem too disappointed in the outcome when she reveals her true motives. 

5/5

No One Rides for Free: Absolute Chaos by Judith Sonnet and Otis Bateman

 Title: The Groomer

Author: Jon Athen

Year Published: 2020

Link to Buy: Amazon

Genre: Fiction, Horror, Splatterpunk, Thriller, Crime, Extreme Horror

Summary:

In the original book, No One Rides For Free, by Judith Sonnet, there was a warning halfway through the story, which told readers to be cautious with the foul, disturbing, and disgusting material they were about to encounter.

This time . . . YOU DON’T GET A WARNING!

The twisted Otis Bateman and unhinged Judith Sonnet have joined forces to bring you a book that goes ALL THE WAY. NO ONE RIDES FOR FREE (ABSOLUTE CHAOS) is an exploration of evil and wickedness, unlike anything you have read before. You’ll swear you can smell the blood on the pages!

A group of college students stop by a roadside attraction on their way back from spring break, only to become trapped in a life-or-death fight with two roaming psychopaths, Buster and The Man! Fiends, whose bloodlust knows no boundaries!

If you are at all easily shocked or offended, this book is going to BUTCHER you!

Ten(ish) Sentence Review:

In this second installment, Judith Sonnet and Otis Bateman evolve The Man from a gas station carjacker to a legendary serial killer with a ride-or-die partner and decades of notorious history. The authors expertly expanded his character from the first novella, No One Rides for Free, while keeping his goals and desires relatively simple: to cause as much misery and carnage as possible. The addition of his partner Buster, and the constant reminder that they each unconditionally support the different pleasures their partner gets out of each attack, humanizes them both in a way that almost makes the reader root for them even as they remove girls' body parts with rusty blades and scratch their disease-infested balls. 

If there was one thing I found especially gratuitous (within the forest of gratuity that was the entire book), it was the unrealistically high number of orgasms. Maybe I'm outing myself as someone with a low sex drive, but I find it hard to believe that anyone would have an unwanted, accidental orgasm in the midst of torture and abuse. Even if she has a secret, excitingly taboo incest fantasy; even if he's a horny virgin with a micropenis who's never gotten a blowjob; even (ESPECIALLY) if it feels kinda food but she is fully aware that tongue belongs to her dog. The only orgasms I can realistically believe are the ones had by The Man, Buster, and Cunningham. 

I also have a complicated relationship with all the euphemisms for body parts throughout both the narrative text and the dialogue. I love how diverse they are because it makes the near-constant descriptions of vaginas, anuses, and penises less repetitive, but it also gives the narration a comical element that I'm not sure the writers were aiming for. I can only hear terms like "beef curtains" and "chocolate starfish" so many times before I start picturing the whole gory, tragic story as scenes from some bizarre snuff cartoon from the dark web. 10

The most important thing I can say about this book is: don't read it. If you're not prepared, seriously do not do this to yourself. The only splatterpunk theme not shown in graphic detail is baby eating, but even that is mentioned more than once. However, if you're already a fan of extreme horror and splatterpunk, and if you TRULY understand what you're getting into, you should absolutely give this book a try. If you can get past all the bodily fluids, it's a masterpiece of intricate storytelling. 

I'm pretty excited to see if there will be a third installment to the series, especially after leaving this one's ending on an infuriatingly tantalizing cliffhanger.

Also, this is a spoiler, but shout out to the lesbian being the final girl <3 

3.5/5, rounded up to 4 for Goodreads. 

The Groomer by Jon Athen

Title: The Groomer

Author: Jon Athen

Year Published: 2020

Link to Buy: Amazon

Genre: Fiction, Horror, Splatterpunk, Thriller, Crime

Summary:

Andrew McCarthy grows concerned for his family after he catches a young man, Zachary Denton, photographing his daughter, Grace McCarthy, and other children at a park. To his dismay, Zachary talks his way out of trouble when he’s confronted by the police. He hopes that’s the end of it. Then he finds Zachary at a diner and then at a grocery store. He knows their encounters aren't coincidences. And just as Andrew prepares to defend his family, Grace vanishes. As the police search stalls and the leads dry up, Andrew decides to take matters into his own hands. He starts by searching for sex offenders in the area and researching enhanced interrogation techniques... He convinces himself he’ll do anything to rescue his daughter, unaware of the pure evil he'll face in his journey. He’s willing to hurt—to torture—anyone to save his family.

Ten Sentence Review:

Although I knew going in that violence involving children in The Groomer would be difficult to read, and although I consider myself a pretty seasoned splatterpunk reader, I was almost unprepared for the scenes with the two little boys--you'll definitely want to proceed with caution, and probably won't want to make this your first-ever "extreme horror" read. 

I liked the main character Andrew's unlikely arc from suburban dad to psychopathic torture machine, and I truly believe that exact thing could happen to someone overnight after losing their child the way he did. The cops aren't moving quickly enough and he has access to the internet, so why not? The first two torture scenes are incredibly creative and had just the right amount of gore (read: a shitload), but they don't move the plot forward or get the reader invested in Andrew's cause as much as they would if the men being tortured were actually connected to his daughter's case in any way. As is, the beginning of his vigilantism is a random search for whatever offenders happen to live nearby, kicking down their doors, and demanding information on his child without a clue as to whether they're even involved. 

The final scene with the titular groomer was ALMOST everything I wanted it to be. This guy is exactly as pathetic as he should be and I hate him exactly as much as I'm supposed to, but as terrible as his punishment is, it still doesn't feel long or bad enough. I was actually surprised at how tame it is compared with what Andrew does to the other guys earlier in the book, especially after hearing the brutal details of what the groomer did to Andrew's daughter Grace. 

The epilogue first broke my heart with Andrew's son Max saying goodbye to his father and sister at the funeral (possibly leaving it open to a sequel where Max follows in his vigilante father's footsteps?), and then made me want to puke with the ~other~ thing that happens at the very end...with the jar... 

This book made me feel something during a very numb week, and for that, I appreciate it. 

3.5/5, rounded up to 4 for GR.